Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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