You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
