OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
