Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
