All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
