If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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