mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
