on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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