it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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