I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
