He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
