when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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