Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
