kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
