never play flip cup with pint glasses
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
