defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
