apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
