My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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