Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
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I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
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