I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
