I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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