Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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