mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
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