Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
