when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
