I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
