she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
