i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
