I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
