Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
