She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
