A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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