I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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