I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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