so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
