No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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