You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
