nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
be right there i have to get my cape
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
