I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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