don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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