I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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