So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
nutella sex= disaster
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
