I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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