I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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