I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
