You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
