Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
