Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just had sex on a roof
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
