I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
