Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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