I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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