I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
