my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
