she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
