hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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