guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
