I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
