im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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